


I'll Say Goodbye Soon

by WednesdaysDaughter



Series: Come Towards the Stars [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Crew as Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 18:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11629224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdaysDaughter/pseuds/WednesdaysDaughter
Summary: The models gleam and blur beneath her cabin lights as tears come unbidden to her eyes. She’s trying not to think of this moment as a goodbye, the first of many, but since her last nightmare Dana has come to realize she will die in this war.It doesn’t hurt as much as it would have once.





	I'll Say Goodbye Soon

**Author's Note:**

> Someone had the audacity to put "Goodbye to a World" on a ME3 fanmix and this was born. 
> 
> I've already started brainstorming more fic I plan to write and it's kinda driving me crazy because there so much to write! I've mainly focused on ME3 because I just finished it, but I might do my 'back from the dead why am i with Cerberus' fic soon.
> 
> I have a problem.
> 
> Also, TEAM/CREW AS FAMILY = THE BEST TROPE EVER

**SSV Normandy SR-1**  
**Captain’s Cabin**  
**0300**

 

It’s the silence that wakes her.

Dana Shepard comes back to the waking world without resistance; eyes flying open and body still as if paralyzed. With deep even breaths she waits for her mind to catch up and the tension slowly leaks from her body. The spell is broken and she is free.

Her limbs are heavy and Dana wills her bones to move past the ghost of Ashley that spoke bitter whispers in her ears seconds before the darkness lifted. Loss is not a stranger in her house, but that doesn’t make it hurt less – doesn’t dissolve the taste of bile in her mouth as Dana swallows her grief. Hours away from a mission they might not survive and something in the back on her head tells her this won’t be the last time. Tossing the cynicism aside with her warm sheet Dana finally sits up.

The arm around her waist slides down her dark skin as she leaves the bed: Kaidan sleeps on, undisturbed by nightmares and Dana is instantly envious. She studies him for a moment, her own arms wrapped around her waist as if she’d fly apart into millions of pieces if she let go. It’s something new to her – the intimacy they’d shared hours ago – and she smiles as she reluctantly dresses.

Kaidan slumbers on as Dana walks the empty halls of the ship: Her ship.

The skeleton crew salutes as she makes the rounds. Dana, steaming cup of tea in hand, returns the gesture and assures them all quietly that she is fine.

“Too busy thinking of our untimely demise to get some sleep Commander?” Joker asks when she stops by the cockpit.  

She doesn’t bother with a response and they let the quiet wash over them until Dana finally turns to leave.

“I’d clear my browser history if I were you Joker: Wouldn’t want your family finding out about your fetishes at the funeral.”

Joker’s choked laugh follows her down the hall along with the snickers of those fortunate enough to hear the exchange. Dana heads to engineering and finds Tali pacing back and forth in front of the Mass Effect drive. Her eyes track Tali’s movement until she can’t stand it and steps in.

“Oh Shepard! I didn’t see you there,” Tali wrings her hands together and Dana can almost picture a sheepish expression on an alien face.

Instead of replying, Dana reaches out with her free hand and sets it on top of Tali’s.

“Get some rest Tali. I need you on Ilos.”

Tali’s back straightens and she nods sharply, “Yes Shepard, you can count on me.”

“I know I can,” Dana affirms and leaves Tali to pace for another ten minutes until she eventually gives into sleep.

Wrex is dead to the world leaning against a wall in the Cargo Bay and the corner where Ashley once worked is dark and empty. Dana tries to avoid looking in that direction and is relieved when she sees Garrus checking the Mako for what she knows is the fifth time since they got back from Virmire.

“If we die because you all are sleep deprived I’m going to be very disappointed,” she jokes, leaning against the Mako.

Garrus is quick to stand at attention though he studies her quickly before firing back, “And I suppose the handful of hours you grabbed have you bright eyed and ready for anything.”

“Look at you, using human idioms like a pro.”

They share a chuckle and bask in the comfortable atmosphere they’d created. Garrus eyes her tea and Dana offers to make him a Dextro-friendly cup.

“On the condition that you’ll head straight to bed afterwards,” Dana bargains.

Opening his mouth to protest, Garrus is stopped short by her fierce look and he reluctantly concedes.

“I take it you’ll do the same Shepard?” he hedges while they head towards the lift.

“Yeah, I will.”

“Then it’s a deal.”

Dana smiles and watches Garrus settle into a chair while she gets his cup started and refills hers. They talk of everything and nothing while they wait: Filling the silence that pulled them both from sleep with silly facts that don’t even equal a fourth of who they are as individuals.

Nevertheless it leaves Dana with a better sense of who Garrus is other than the renegade C-Sec officer who hopped aboard her ship on a whim.

“How’s that shoulder treating you?” Garrus motions with his chin to her left shoulder where a Geth Rocket Trooper had gotten too close.

She shrugs, “Pretty sure I can tell you when a storm’s getting close, but I can still aim a gun which is all that matters.”

“True,” he agrees, “of course whether or not you can aim it well…”

Dana rolls her eyes, “Give it up Vakarian; you’ll never be a better shot than me.”

“If you say so Shepard.”

Dana isn’t sure when it became an unspoken competition between them, but she enjoys it. He keeps her on her toes and keeps them safe. She’d lost count how many times his sniper rifle had clipped a target on her six; and vice versa.

She had a good crew.

A yawn breaks the silence between them and Garrus chuckles.

“I think that’s our cue Shepard.”

He reaches out for her cup and rinses them both in the sink before seeing her off. They part at the lift and even though she is tired, she is sad to see the moment go. There’s an easy comradery between them that makes it easy for her to be Dana instead of Commander Shepard.

“See you in a couple hours Shepard: I’ll be ready.”

 There’s no question that he’ll be joining her on the ground and Dana nods briefly before he steps into the lift.

“We both will be.”

Kaidan has rolled away from the door when Dana returns. It makes more sense to leave her outfit on so Dana slides carefully back into her bed and lets Kaidan’s body heat seep into her back until she’s able to drift into a shallow sleep.

Her eyes are open before Joker hails her.

“We’re coming up on Ilos Commander.”

“Understood,” she replies instantly awake and tense. Eventually Kaidan joins her in the waking world.

“Come on,” she says already heading towards the door, “we’ve got work to do.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

**SSV Normandy SR-2**  
**Captain’s Cabin**  
**2300**

 

It’s his snoring that wakes her.

Snoring isn’t the right word, not really, for the melodic trilling Garrus emits when tucked into sleep’s embrace. If her ship hadn’t been robbed of its crew; if she couldn’t imagine with perfect clarity their panicked screams, the noise might have lulled her back to sleep.

For one selfish moment Dana idly wishes she could stay in her bed forever.

Garrus is warm next to her and his arm feels supportive, protective, even in sleep as it curls around her waist. Occasionally he’ll subconsciously try to pull her closer and the gesture melts every defense Dana Shepard has created in the past: She never stood a chance.

After Horizon, after Kaidan, Dana had nearly shoved every instinct screaming for love and affection into the deepest pit of her mind where it would eventually wither and die. The theatrics of it all left Dana feeling silly and so she mourned for what she and Kaidan could’ve had before turning his picture face down and embracing something new.

‘Something new’ mumbles something in his sleep that her translator cannot pick up, but then he says her name and she wants to curl into his side and never leave.

However there’s an itch beneath her skin and she knows walking the ship is the only thing that’ll soothe the ache. With great reluctance Dana pulls her uniform on and heads down the lift wondering what Garrus will do if he wakes to see her gone.

She heads straight down to check on Grunt.

Walking past Engineering reminds Dana of Ilos and when she peeks in she’s instantly relieved to find Tali asleep beneath her console. It looks uncomfortable, but Tali doesn’t toss or turn or stir when Dana pulls the blanket over her shoulders.

Grunt on the other hand is pacing.

Déjà vu curls around Dana like an old friend and she crosses her arms and waits for Grunt to stand still.

“My blood knows a fight is coming Shepard. I want to kill something right now.”

Dana doesn’t flinch at the savage grin he flashes her way, but instead sighs and drops her shoulders. On anyone else the gesture would signal defeat.

“If you promise not to kill each other I know Jack’s still awake. You two could wrestle it out in the Cargo Bay: Work on your restlessness.”

“Heh, I think I can promise that.”

She’d clocked Jack the second she had stepped into the hallway, but it still throws Dana for a second when she hears Jack’s laugh.

“You could join us Shepard.”

The flicker of uncertainty on Grunts face makes Dana feel good about her chances, but she waves them off.

“You kids play nice now. If you damage my ship and the Collector’s kill us all you’re both grounded.”

Jack and Grunt groan in unison causing Dana to smile fondly as she takes the lift to the crew deck where she nearly runs into Miranda when she turns the corner.

“Shepard! I didn’t expect to see you up.”

Dana shrugs and then notices the dark circles beneath Miranda’s eyes.

“I couldn’t sleep. A cup of tea normally helps, would you like one?”

Miranda opens her mouth to refuse and stops when Shepard walks past her and pulls two cups from the dishwasher. Knowing better than to continue with her initial response, Miranda strolls up to the counter and leans against it, “I suppose a cup wouldn’t hurt.”

“Good answer.”

Once their tea is ready Miranda leads them to the port observation deck where they sit and say little between quiet sips.

While the ship coasts along, well into the usual sleep cycle, Dana is painfully aware how empty the Normandy is. The ‘crew lounge’ as Joker had eventually dubbed it always had someone in it no matter the time. Bar empty, Dana closes her eyes and recalls her fifth sleepless night when she stumbled onto the deck to find Jacob, Donnelly and Joker comparing their military history.

She would’ve won in a landslide, but the warmth sliding down her throat made Dana reluctant to dreg up her dark past. She let the boys fight over who ‘won’ but they all left nodding respectfully in her direction.

The memory fades before her watery eyes and Dana grits her teeth. She’ll get her crew back, no matter the cost. Miranda stares out the window, the line of her shoulders speaking to the unease beneath her skin. There’s something she wants to say so Dana waits until it’s just shy of 2400 and Miranda cracks.

“I just want you to know Shepard that I am proud of what we’ve accomplished. Regardless of what happens once we hit the relay, I’ve got your back.”

It’s as emotional as Miranda will allow herself to get and though it’s not the standard ‘we might die tomorrow’ speech, Dana hears what’s unsaid all the same. She leans over and clinks their cups together and finishes the cold tea swirling at the bottom.

“I appreciate that Miranda.”

They part shortly after that.

The ride up to her cabin takes twice as long and when her door slides Dana watches Garrus sleepily reach out and clutch at empty space. He grumbles and slowly wills sleep away until he can figure out where she’d gone.

“Is it time?”

The groggy baritone of his voice sends shivers down her spine and heat stirs in her guts. Dana’s clothes slide of her body and pile on the floor; his eyes never leaving her as she nears the bed. He reaches out and they hiss when contact is made. She’s a little sore from before, but that doesn’t stop her from crawling up his body and melting against him as his talons trace a pattern down her lower back.

“We’ve got time,” she whispers against his smooth check and her lips leave tiny kisses along his mandibles as he rumbles in pleasure.

“Better make the most of it then.”

They lose themselves in silken sheets and urgent caresses. Their names fall from breathless mouths in broken prayers until Dana arches her back and nearly screams from the ecstasy of it all. Garrus cradles her gently after he chokes out her name and stutters above her boneless frame. Surrounded, Dana feels brand new and ancient at the same time; as if her flesh and bones had been cleansed in their release.

Her heart feels so full it might give out and her lips pull into a brilliant smile.

“Garrus,” she murmurs sleepily though she’s not quite ready to surrender to the lure of slumber.

“Get some sleep Shepard; I’ll be here when you wake up.”

When EDI chimes in four hours later, they’d both been awake for a few minutes. Hands running over each other’s bodies they’d been content to bask in the moment – waiting for the call.

“My apologies Commander Shepard, but Jeff is requesting you on the bridge. The Omega Relay is in sight.”

For a moment Dana hides her face in Garrus’ side and when she feels him squeeze her hand they steal a silent ‘goodbye’ in case the worst should happen.

“No apologies necessary EDI: I’m on my way.”

She cannot find the words as they dress silently. Her eyes seek him out and when she catches him watching her they chuckle listlessly. It was never going to be just a fling, but Dana isn’t sure she can find the strength to tell him that as they stand shoulder to shoulder in the lift.

They come to a stop and in an act of desperation; Dana turns and leans to kiss Garrus once more, saying everything that she cannot. He inhales sharply and nips at her bottom lip as his hands squeeze her hips briefly.

“Get ready,” Dana exits the lift in time for Mordin and Jacob to take her place.

Solemnly, they nod and she locks eyes with Garrus before the doors slide close and she is alone. Dana steels herself and head to the cock pit, ignoring the lump in her throat and the way her gut twists in fear when she sees the relay.

“Alright Joker,” she orders – every bit the Commander she’s known to be – “take us in.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

**SSV Normandy SR-2**  
**Captain’s Cabin**  
**1600**

 

Sleep is the furthest thing from Dana's mind.

She’d come up to her cabin for a moment of respite, but she cannot linger here. They’re heading back to Earth with the backbones of a plan that could fall apart in seconds. Her eyes track the movement of her fish and her hand is cold against the glass.

She turns to stare at the bed she and Garrus shared regularly since Menae. The models gleam and blur beneath her cabin lights as tears come unbidden to her eyes. She’s trying not to think of this moment as a goodbye, the first of many, but since her last nightmare Dana has come to realize she will die in this war.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it would have once.

Wiping the traitorous moisture away Dana squares her shoulders and leaves her cabin without looking back. She leaves no inch of the Normandy untouched; stopping to speak to every member on her ship.

“It’s been an honor Commander.”

“We are with you.”

“I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done.”

“We’ll fight ‘til the end Commander.”

Pride fills Dana with each salute until she’s vibrating with emotions so wild her biotics threaten to send a pulse strong enough to disable the ship. She hides in the Med Lab with Chakwas until she had control once more.

“It goes without saying,” Chakwas moves from her desk and places a hand on Dana’s shoulder, “but I am very proud of you Shepard. It’s been an honor.”

“I couldn’t have done this without you Doctor.”

They embrace and Dana heads to the Main Battery to check on Garrus and Tali. As they reminisce Dana sees Ilos and the Omega Relay flash in the back of her mind.

“You two have been with me since the beginning –,” Dana steps forward and places her hands on their arms and squeezes, “thank you.”

“Well, you did give me some incentive,” Garrus teases and she laughs wetly while Tali reaches out to hold her tight.

“You took me in when I was just a kid and then you helped me get my home world back. As if I’d leave you during this mission: Keelah se'lai Shepard.”

After they assure her they’ll be ready to hit Earth soon, Dana heads to the Cargo Bay – her last stop before heading to see Joker and EDI.

Steve stands, hands on his hips, studying the shuttle they’ll take to Earth’s surface. Dana settles in next to him and they try to grasp the horrors they’ll soon encounter. War zones are bloody, but seeing them on an alien planet is different than seeing them on home.

“I’ll get you down there safely Shepard.” Steve promises.

She bumps their shoulders together and nods, “I know you will Steve.”

“It’s not just her you’ll be taking down there Cortez,” James chimes in as he swaggers over to the shuttle.

“What makes you think I’m taking you?” Dana inquires seriously and Vega snorts.

“Please Lola don’t tease me. We all know you’re taking Scars and with the two of us you’ll show those Reapers whose boss. Best squad ever.”

Dana tries to hold out, but James’ smile is confident and she’d already decided to take him down the second Hackett told her the plan. He doesn’t need to know that though, so she sighs in defeat and shakes her head.

“If you think you can handle it Vega, I suppose you can come too.”

“Damn straight. I’ve been itching to go back to Earth since we left. It’s time for some payback.”

There’s something feral in his grin that makes Dana believe they’ll make it back alive. Her crew’s determination is infectious and her march to the cock pit makes everyone stand at attention.

“We’ve coming up on the Sol Relay Commander,” Joker reports.

“Alright Joker, let’s go home.”

Dana turns to head back to the War Room when Joker stops her with a steady salute that nearly undoes all her hard work. Biting back her emotions Dana returns the gesture with pride burning in her eyes.

She wants to say a million things.

Joker’s been there from day one: Before she was even given the Normandy. She’d saved his life, but how many had he saved hers? He followed Cerberus to get back to her and the ship and fought through hellfire to rescue the crew from the Collectors. Here they are; heading to ground zero with the highest concentration of Reapers he’ll have to dodge to keep everyone alive.

“Thanks Joker, for everything.”

“Right back at ya Commander.”

Time seems to slow down as Dana heads to the War Room.

Dozens of faces flash before her eyes with each step she takes. Her crew is stretched across the universe; fighting their own battles to save their homes and loved ones. She understands why they can’t all be here in this final push, but it doesn’t make it any easier when she’s alone.

In the silences Dana kneels and prays for the first time in years.

She prays for the ones she’s lost, the ones she could lose, and for those she’ll never get to see. An hour before she sets foot on Earth, Dana says a silent goodbye to her family and stops running from death.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

She stumbles forward; gun outstretched, and fires without mercy.

The conduit withstands the assault for three bullets until it cracks and suddenly everything is on fire. All she can see is red. Somewhere in the back of her mind Dana realizes she is laughing, she is crying, she is ready.

The explosion nearly sends her sprawling onto the ground, but Dana holds firm as the tower crumbles. Fire licks at her body and as debris begins to fall she looks towards the heavens and smiles.

‘ _Get my ship out of here Joker_ ,’ she thinks desperately, ‘ _leave me. It’s okay_.’

When she was spaced it was cold and she was afraid; now standing in the middle of the Reaper’s destruction she is warm and feels nothing but bittersweet joy. Her tears sting the wounds on her face and she can see EDI and Legion and it breaks her heart.

The reactor shudders and any second now it’s going to engulf her.

She lets the gun fall from her grip and closes her eyes to see Garrus’ face one last time. What a pair they made; a bad Turian and a soldier who followed every order expect one.

‘ _I’m sorry Garrus_ ,’ Dana thinks before the final explosion sends her into darkness.

‘ _Goodbye_.’

**Author's Note:**

> SHE ISN'T DEAD!  
> (or is she?)
> 
> Just kidding: I totally intended this to be a prequel of sorts to the first fic I published in this universe "Fight the Tide (Until the Day We Die), so go on and read that one if you want to cry happy tears.


End file.
